Poetry here.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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That is a great and inspiring poem Aetixintro.


I am now intrigued as to who you are and what influences have moved you in your life Aetixintro.



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[Aetixintro]

You will have to take it as it is presented, Bill Wiltrack. Thanks for your interest!

[Pluto]

In an age of negative death-drive, where spirit is squished and mind cloudy, an art shall come forth and do battle.
In an age of negative death-drive, where spirit is squished and mind cloudy, a kunst shall come forth and do battle

[Pluto]

let's not just the hated Big Satan attacks, but everyone accused to be a collaborator to are

[bus2bondi]

i can't have what i am

do you understand?

i can't have

what i am

i've always understood

since i was little

and even more now

i'm still little

and i still can't have what i am

[artisticsolution]

i can't have what i am

do you understand?

i can't have

what i am

i've always understood

since i was little

and even more now

i'm still little

and i still can't have what i am

Never ever delete this! This poem is most artistically honest...integrity at all costs. I am sorry you had to go through this pain in order to produce this poem.

[bus2bondi]

thank you as, i wrote it because for some reason all of Saturday and Saturday night i felt like i was floating in heaven. i couldn't explain it. i woke up feeling that way. i know its a cliche but i felt like i was in 'bliss'. there is so much to worry about but all my worries were gone and i just felt at ease and i felt so good.

but then on Sunday, well yesterday, i woke up and i knew it couldn't last. because of the way things realistically are and i have no choice because of that. so then i had to force myself to wake up from it, and accept that there is no other way but to keep facing it. so then i cranked up acdc. and started thinking of ways it could somehow be better.

i am tired of suffering. i am tired of other people suffering. and alot of other things.

i opened my utility bills this morning. they are so high it makes me want to drop to my knees. and i even conserve. in a major way. most of the winter, if its just me, i will sit and freeze in my house with triple layers of clothes on with my jacket etc.. just because i can't afford the bills. things like that. and even then the bills are still high!

i could go on.

i am not looking for pity in writing this.

to me its just insane, and its just not right. and i'm tired of it.

and i wanted to stay feeling how i was on Saturday. who i really am when i can pretend its not really like this. but anyway, there must be some things that can be done so things are better. maybe they will never be perfect, who knows?, but maybe they can at least be better.

so that's why i wrote that.

thanks again:)

[duszek]

This reminds me of my own panick attack, in the snowy woods, in January of the previous year. It was ridiculous.
I tried to talk myself into being reasonable by repeating the words of wisdom: "tomorrow it could be the end of the world and you worry about the heating costs." (it sounds better in Polish)
I looked for an extra job that spring (just in case) and got it and the bill was not that high when it came in August so I could keep the money for something else.

There are special meals which warm up and other meals which cool down. Peppermint tea has a cooling effect, for example.
A big bowl of hot rice warms up for sure.

[bus2bondi]

thanks duszek:) that was a nice story:) i don't think its that simple tho, although i understand what you are saying:) thanks again:)

[artisticsolution]

Thanks duszek and bondi,

There is a quality of a deeper angst in that poem that brings me to my knees. I can't describe the feeling...I can't say it is not pity....maybe more empathy? I just don't have the vocabulary. Sorry.

The only way I can describe it is to tell you a story.

I had a friend a million years ago who was a transvestite. At the time I was in a whirlwind of innocent/ignorant stupidity, yes...even more so than now. I mean, I always cared deeply for people...I just never had a clue. There was simply no understanding...there was only blonde fluff.Anyway, I remember asking my friend a very shallow question...something like...."How come when transvestites dress up like a woman they seem to exaggerate the womanliness of a woman's actual appearance?" (To tell you the truth I don't remember the exact question...but it was something stupid like that.) His actual reply to me jolted me out of my blissful whimsy. My Snow White existence was crushed...in the most glorious way.

He said, "All I want is to be pretty. I want to be desired like other women are desired." (I am paraphrasing because it was so long ago that I don't really remember the exact words...and his exact words don't matter anyway...because I am not telling this story to describe me or him...only to describe my reaction to this poem...which I am trying to do...albeit clumsy. ) Anyway....

What I mean to say is...at that exact moment it was as if a veil was lifted. And all I could mutter in reply was...."Yeah...that is fun." God I hated myself for saying only that....but I wasn't prepared to be confronted with that much existential angst....I didn't have any other words! My point is... This poem is what I experienced the moment my friend blew away the clouds from my vision. It was the first time I actually understood something other than my tiny little world. I was stunned into silence and I thought...omg..."he can't have what he is."

I don't know if I felt pity...maybe pity I could not give him that experience. I mean, every woman knows... It is a powerful experience to be desired like a woman. You know at that moment the world is yours...if you want it to be. For me that experience was taken for granted esp in my youth when it was just expected. I never understood that someone may desire to have that experience and not be able to. It was not even in my comprehension. Do you understand? It was as if I was Charlie in "Flowers for Algernon" and my friend wielded a surgeon's scalpel with expertise and I was finally able to understand. Here is someone who "can't have what he is." omg! And here I spent a lifetime whining about wanting to go on vacation...or that a girl at work hated me...or whatever silly little nonsense was bothering me that day. I hung my head in shame. How dare I ever say another fucking thing about my life. I have always been able to be who I am. Fucking lucky crybaby bitch that I am.

I am not saying this is the only way the poem can be interpreted or that I believe that it is a poem about transvestism (It could be about anything)...only that this is the image it stirred up for me. And how much I loved this poem in all it's depth....but then again...maybe I don't know how deep it truly goes.....

[bus2bondi]

thanks as, and i love you. you don't know how much i wish you and dusek were my neighbors. we'd have a great time, in any kind of weather:D the roof could be falling down, but somehow we'd still be laughing. because we'd have eachother:D

[artisticsolution]

thanks as, and i love you. you don't know how much i wish you and dusek were my neighbors. we'd have a great time, in any kind of weather:D the roof could be falling down, but somehow we'd still be laughing. because we'd have eachother:D

Awww...thanks bondi. I love you too.

[duszek]

You are perfectly right, bondi, when people can live together as neighbours and drop in with their own cups of tea and wearing slippers, just for ten minutes of a good laugh or psychotherapy, like in the kitchen in a students´ dormitory, that would be really lovely.
I suggested it to some friends of mine.
I hope it may come true one day ....

[bus2bondi]

i left the university on fire duszek, it was sculpting me, changing me, rearranging me. so i am not so sure about the university kitchen thing. maybe for others, but not me.

but i understand your sentiments and they are really nice:) really nice:) i hope you have many more warm nights with slippers and warm bowls of rice:)

[duszek]

I only meant the kitchen of a dormitory in which people congregated in order to relieve their chests.

You were like at home full of family and friends and like having a single appartement at the same time.

University can be stressful, that´s why it is important to have people you can talk to and who understand you and who do not want to push you in any direction.