Fed up

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Gary Childress
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Fed up

Post by Gary Childress »

I gave almost all my savings to a woman that I wanted to love me. She was a single mom and at first, it felt like I was doing something worthwhile for her. Unfortunately, it meant nothing. It amounted to nothing. She's finally blown me off after I got mad at her for some of the shit she put me through. Now I'm a mess. My dad died about 9 months ago and I had to be the one to tell the doctors to take him off life support according to his living will that stated he didn't want to be on life support. I basically gave the word to let my own father die.

So I got mad at God. I got mad at people who believe in God. I got even madder at people who believe in a benevolent God. Now, on top of being broke and a patricidal son, I feel like I'm going to burn in Hell for being pissed at God and saying a lot of crap about him (assuming Christians are right and there is a God and the Bible is the word of God transcribed by human beings).

This has been a shitty year. If there is a God, then I'd like to think that God isn't a sensitive snowflake who gets bent out of shape over what an angry human thinks or says of him. I'd like to think that I won't go to hell because of it or because I don't go to church.

The woman who ditched me was a practicing Catholic. She introduced me to a Christian support group program called "Celebrate Recovery". We both attended the first time and then she stopped going but I kept at it for a while. I attended Catholic church with her once but she told me never to attend with her again because I was an embarrassment to her and her family for confiding in the priest afterward concerning having a problem with pornography. I felt like scum on scum's shoes after that.

I don't worship God. I'll never worship God and I'll never be a regular churchgoer. As far as I'm concerned, religion and theology are a joke. As far as I'm concerned, I don't owe God an iota of reverence. To be honest, if there is indeed a heaven and hell to follow this life, then I expect to go to heaven. After all the shit I've put up with in life, God is lucky I haven't taken up serial killing as a pastime. I've given to charitable causes. I've volunteered for charitable causes. Heck, my whole life savings went to a single mom to help her when she was flat broke and needed surgery (among other things).

No. After spending the majority of my life with mental illness, I won't accept hell. God owes me better than that.

But this is what is probably more likely the case. I suspect I'll disappear forever into oblivion when I go. I suspect that if there's a creator--based on the nature of this world--s/he doesn't give a rat's ass about human beings any more than God gave a shit about the cockroach I killed an hour ago that was crawling around on my computer desk. That cockroach probably didn't go to an "afterlife". It's dead, never to scurry around my desk again.

I grew up an atheist and became agnostic after studying philosophy. If that pissed God off, then he's had more than his revenge against me. We're even as far as I'm concerned. If a burning bush materialized in front of me and told me it was sorry for all the shit I've been through, I'd tell it not to bother. I'm beyond apologies. If Christ returns anytime in the near future, I'll tell him to fetch me a cup of coffee.

On second thought, if Christ returns, I won't bother to ask him for anything. There's nothing Christ can do to make up for this life. Maybe if I hang garlic outside my door and post a sign it'll keep him off the lawn.

However, just in case you exist, I'll see you in heaven, God. The food better be good. But if you send me to hell you'd better be thankful you're God and I'm not. Otherwise, I'd rip you a new one.


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Walker
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Re: Fed up

Post by Walker »

Gary Childress
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Re: Fed up

Post by Gary Childress »

Walker wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 12:31 pm Get your cortisol checked.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/a ... 7-cortisol
I'm not "stressed" right now. I'm angry. Does cortisol play a role in anger?
Flannel Jesus
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Re: Fed up

Post by Flannel Jesus »

Damn, that's a really sad story. That's why they always say: never give all your life savings to a single Catholic mother.

They say that, right? If they don't they should.
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LuckyR
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Re: Fed up

Post by LuckyR »

Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 10:49 am I gave almost all my savings to a woman that I wanted to love me. She was a single mom and at first, it felt like I was doing something worthwhile for her.
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Sorry you are in the position you're in right now.

Luckily for me, I haven't been in such an extreme situation, quantity-wise, though I have (and I suspect many have) been in minor predicaments in the same vein, quality-wise.

What worked for my personality type was a combo of several things.

First, consider your monetary loss as tuition at the School of Hard Knocks. It's gone, it's never coming back, get over it and plan for the future.

Second, take the lesson you paid for at the School of Hard Knocks and make it a part of your life strategy moving forward. Namely, there's nothing wrong with helping strangers, acquaintances, friends or family. That's a good thing. BUT, the help should be in the form of emotional support, advice, a room to stay in, your time, effort etc. Never money. In other words don't mix finances with friendship. The exception is strangers, because you know exactly what you're "buying" because there's no implied relationship. If you get flak in response, they're not your true friend (ie you learned something about them, for free) drop them like a hot rock (from the Trusted Friend group).

That brings you to the next lesson: when someone shows you who they really are (negatively), believe them. Doesn't mean you have to totally get rid of them. But they're not Inner Circle material. Put them in the Untrustworthy group of acquaintances.

Next, it is natural (because of the ego salvaging aspect of it) to seek assistance/blame from other entities, say gods. If it sooths you, I get it. But in order to thrive (in this hostile world) you've got to get to the point of self sufficiency. In other words if something is going to get you to the next level, it's going to have be you. Kind of scary for those who have a history of depending on, say gods, but you'll get used to it. For one thing, successes are yours (not other's). It's ultimately more ego boosting though there's a risk/reward thing going on.

Good luck moving forward and keep your chin up and your focus on the future.
accelafine
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Re: Fed up

Post by accelafine »

Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 3:15 pm
Walker wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 12:31 pm Get your cortisol checked.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/a ... 7-cortisol
I'm not "stressed" right now. I'm angry. Does cortisol play a role in anger?
If you want to give away your savings for sex then how is that anyone else's fault?
Walker
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Re: Fed up

Post by Walker »

Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 3:15 pm
Walker wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 12:31 pm Get your cortisol checked.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/a ... 7-cortisol
I'm not "stressed" right now. I'm angry. Does cortisol play a role in anger?
Anger is a source of tremendous energy, as you undoubtedly know. This is where the objectivity of equanimity shines, because when it's spontaneous, then the energy that fuels anger detaches from the habitual emotional attachments, to be used as necessary according to the situation.

You can use the energy to write, to work, or to walk.

If you do not have a situation of need to transmorgrify the anger-energy into physical motions, then your capacity that enables equanimity also allows for the energy to be turned towards awareness, and into witnessing.

I see there's confusion about persuasion and explanation on the board, so let's put a stop to those confusions right now. I'm not telling you to do anything. I'm just explaining the dynamics of objectivity.
Walker
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Re: Fed up

Post by Walker »

Flannel Jesus wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 3:39 pm Damn, that's a really sad story. That's why they always say: never give all your life savings to a single Catholic mother.

They say that, right? If they don't they should.
They say, never loan money to a saint.

The question is, can folks recognize a saint?
Walker
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Re: Fed up

Post by Walker »

Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 10:49 am The woman who ditched me was a practicing Catholic. She introduced me to a Christian support group program called "Celebrate Recovery".
When I first read this I thought it read, "Celebate Recovery."

:lol:
Flannel Jesus
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Re: Fed up

Post by Flannel Jesus »

Same
accelafine
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Re: Fed up

Post by accelafine »

It wouldn't be a problem for anyone who can spell.
seeds
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Re: Fed up

Post by seeds »

LuckyR wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 7:03 pm
Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 10:49 am I gave almost all my savings to a woman that I wanted to love me. She was a single mom and at first, it felt like I was doing something worthwhile for her.
Sorry you are in the position you're in right now...

...First, consider your monetary loss as tuition at the School of Hard Knocks.
That's good advice, LuckyR.

In a similar vein, when I find myself in a situation where I've foolishly lost or had been cheated out of money, and I can't seem to escape the stress and anger I am feeling about it,...

...it's not easy, but I try to consider how much money I would be willing to pay to instantly rid myself of the negative and emotionally painful state of mind I was in.

And it usually turns out that the amount of money I would be willing to pay to restore my peace of mind and to feel happy again is precisely the amount I had already paid via the loss.
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attofishpi
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Re: Fed up

Post by attofishpi »

Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 10:49 am I gave almost all my savings to a woman that I wanted to love me. She was a single mom and at first, it felt like I was doing something worthwhile for her. Unfortunately, it meant nothing. It amounted to nothing. She's finally blown me off after I got mad at her for some of the shit she put me through. Now I'm a mess.
Well, at least this woman forced herself to have sex with you and that memory will be with her until the day she dies or gets alzheimers.

I always tell myself to always look on the bright side of life, so that's how I'd look at that.

ps. you'd better have got laid for it otherwise ignore all the above.
Gary Childress
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Re: Fed up

Post by Gary Childress »

accelafine wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 7:37 pm
Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 3:15 pm
Walker wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 12:31 pm Get your cortisol checked.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/a ... 7-cortisol
I'm not "stressed" right now. I'm angry. Does cortisol play a role in anger?
If you want to give away your savings for sex then how is that anyone else's fault?
I wasn't giving away my savings for sex. I never had sex with her. I actually cared about her very much and wanted to help her and her daughter.
accelafine
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Re: Fed up

Post by accelafine »

Gary Childress wrote: Thu Nov 30, 2023 2:47 am
accelafine wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 7:37 pm
Gary Childress wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 3:15 pm

I'm not "stressed" right now. I'm angry. Does cortisol play a role in anger?
If you want to give away your savings for sex then how is that anyone else's fault?
I wasn't giving away my savings for sex. I never had sex with her. I actually cared about her very much and wanted to help her and her daughter.
Right. So you would have done the same thing if it was man, or someone you weren't attracted to? Be honest with yourself.
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