Should there be marriage secrets?

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Philosophy Explorer
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Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Philosophy Explorer » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:35 am

Would marriages be better or worse due to secrets?

I've read that some secrets should remain secrets to help preserve a marriage. What do you think?

PhilX

thedoc
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by thedoc » Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:59 pm

Philosophy Explorer wrote:
Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:35 am
Would marriages be better or worse due to secrets?

I've read that some secrets should remain secrets to help preserve a marriage. What do you think?

PhilX
I told my wife that I would answer any question she had, but she first had to decide if she really wanted the answer.

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Harbal
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Harbal » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:35 pm

thedoc wrote:
Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:59 pm
I told my wife that I would answer any question she had, but she first had to decide if she really wanted the answer.
If she wanted a sensible answer she'd be better off asking someone else.

Skip
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Skip » Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:56 am

Philosophy Explorer wrote:
Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:35 am
Would marriages be better or worse due to secrets?

I've read that some secrets should remain secrets to help preserve a marriage. What do you think?

PhilX
Marriage is a partnership, not a merger.
You get to continue being a person in your in your right, an individual. If you have secrets, it's your choice whether you want to share them; it's your decision whether you want to risk alienating or endangering or implicating your partner in whatever you got up to before you met them. It's your decision whether you want to hurt them with the details of your infidelities or carry the guilt alone. It's your choice whether you want to ask your partner to take on the responsibility for your past crimes, misdemeanours or progenitures.
It's their choice whether to keep you after hearing the confession; their decision whether to turn you in.

Walker
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Walker » Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:16 pm

Skip wrote:
Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:56 am
Philosophy Explorer wrote:
Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:35 am
Would marriages be better or worse due to secrets?

I've read that some secrets should remain secrets to help preserve a marriage. What do you think?

PhilX
Marriage is a partnership, not a merger.
You get to continue being a person in your in your right, an individual. If you have secrets, it's your choice whether you want to share them; it's your decision whether you want to risk alienating or endangering or implicating your partner in whatever you got up to before you met them. It's your decision whether you want to hurt them with the details of your infidelities or carry the guilt alone. It's your choice whether you want to ask your partner to take on the responsibility for your past crimes, misdemeanours or progenitures.
It's their choice whether to keep you after hearing the confession; their decision whether to turn you in.
When you’re married long enough, you come out on the other side of all that. Speech becomes unnecessary because you merge into a shared state of consciousness, shared thoughts. Secrets thus become impossible.

Skip
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Skip » Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:58 am

Walker wrote:
Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:16 pm
When you’re married long enough, you come out on the other side of all that. Speech becomes unnecessary because you merge into a shared state of consciousness, shared thoughts. Secrets thus become impossible.
Gaahhh! How long does that melding take? The praying mantis gets it over with in a few minutes.

Walker
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Walker » Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:47 am

Skip wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:58 am
Walker wrote:
Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:16 pm
When you’re married long enough, you come out on the other side of all that. Speech becomes unnecessary because you merge into a shared state of consciousness, shared thoughts. Secrets thus become impossible.
Gaahhh! How long does that melding take? The praying mantis gets it over with in a few minutes.
Don’t marry an insect. I’d say the time requirement is sometime after each body has had time to replicate while under the influence of the perpetual mirroring that settles into facial features and expressions, which naturally results in synchronized patterns of causation within a finite variety of situational types. For each to transcend the anchors of familiarity within the reality of constant change, so that each is not constantly speaking to a memory, requires the detachment to not cling to the projections of ego that, minus mindfulness, can easily become the mirror’s identity. Within this timespan will pass the shared and mirrored milestones that define a life … success, failure, gain, loss, and so on. So, some time for this variety to transpire is also required.

Look at it this way. You only exist in relationship. To always be in relationship is a mental state. You are always in relationship with sensation or thought, until you are not. To stop existing is to end relationship with thought. When relationship with thought resumes, you are born into a new existence that subsumes memory of the old existence, thus you are ever new. The resulting freshness of living in reality sustains the marriage with unpredictability.

Dontaskme
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Dontaskme » Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:38 am

Walker wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:47 am
Don’t marry an insect. I’d say the time requirement is sometime after each body has had time to replicate while under the influence of the perpetual mirroring that settles into facial features and expressions, which naturally results in synchronized patterns of causation within a finite variety of situational types. For each to transcend the anchors of familiarity within the reality of constant change, so that each is not constantly speaking to a memory, requires the detachment to not cling to the projections of ego that, minus mindfulness, can easily become the mirror’s identity. Within this timespan will pass the shared and mirrored milestones that define a life … success, failure, gain, loss, and so on. So, some time for this variety to transpire is also required.

Look at it this way. You only exist in relationship. To always be in relationship is a mental state. You are always in relationship with sensation or thought, until you are not. To stop existing is to end relationship with thought. When relationship with thought resumes, you are born into a new existence that subsumes memory of the old existence, thus you are ever new. The resulting freshness of living in reality sustains the marriage with unpredictability.
This is the most beautiful idea that I've ever read. To which I agree wholeheartedly with.

This is the meaning of what it is to love without conditions.

Personally, I have never found not even one living person on earth with whom I could properly relate to. A person who shares this level of absolute understanding has been non-existent so far. But that's earthlins for you.


.

Skip
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Skip » Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:36 pm

Walker wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:47 am
Look at it this way. You only exist in relationship. To always be in relationship is a mental state. You are always in relationship with sensation or thought, until you are not. To stop existing is to end relationship with thought. When relationship with thought resumes, you are born into a new existence that subsumes memory of the old existence, thus you are ever new. The resulting freshness of living in reality sustains the marriage with unpredictability.
Bullshit! Poetic, fanciful, mystical, sounds nice but means nothing, bullshit.

Two individual, autonomous, very different persons, each with a character, ideas, experiences, convictions, imagination; different styles, different approaches; each with interests and projects and aspirations of their own, can go on helping and supporting, challenging and inspiring, consoling and amusing one another for... In theory, forever. Certainly over 60 years, in one case with which I am familiar; so far, only 36 in my own.

What a waste of life it would be, to grow two separate people to maturity, only to lump them into some kind of narcissistic image of one. Because, don't kid yourself: if anybody gets made over, its the weaker one being subsumed by the stronger.
Marry an equal, retain your individuality, and you'll never be bored or lonely.

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henry quirk
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practical advice

Post by henry quirk » Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:38 pm

No matter what she sez, no matter how many times she claims she wants you to be honest, when she asks 'does this make me look fat?', you damn-well better say 'honey, you look great' and 'no, baby, that skirt absolutely doesn't make you look fat' even if she looks like an over-stuffed sausage.

Want a happy marriage?

Mostly, keep your mouth shut.

Can't keep your mouth shut?

Lie, lie, and lie some more.

Can't lie?

Stay single.

Skip
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Skip » Wed Jul 26, 2017 6:10 pm

Shut is better than lying. As you grow older and start losing short-term memory, every lie becomes more difficult to maintain.
Some regions on the marital map go white over time: weight-gain, hair-loss, diminution of stamina and increase of unintentional noises are some of the topics that are best never mentioned. And when the loved one asks "Have I told you about....?" we don't answer "Only a hundred times."
Our forebears used to call this tact. It doesn't go amiss with friends and acquaintances and colleagues, either.

Walker
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Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Walker » Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:17 pm

Skip wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:36 pm
Walker wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:47 am
Look at it this way. You only exist in relationship. To always be in relationship is a mental state. You are always in relationship with sensation or thought, until you are not. To stop existing is to end relationship with thought. When relationship with thought resumes, you are born into a new existence that subsumes memory of the old existence, thus you are ever new. The resulting freshness of living in reality sustains the marriage with unpredictability.
Bullshit! Poetic, fanciful, mystical, sounds nice but means nothing, bullshit.

Two individual, autonomous, very different persons, each with a character, ideas, experiences, convictions, imagination; different styles, different approaches; each with interests and projects and aspirations of their own, can go on helping and supporting, challenging and inspiring, consoling and amusing one another for... In theory, forever. Certainly over 60 years, in one case with which I am familiar; so far, only 36 in my own.

What a waste of life it would be, to grow two separate people to maturity, only to lump them into some kind of narcissistic image of one. Because, don't kid yourself: if anybody gets made over, its the weaker one being subsumed by the stronger.
Marry an equal, retain your individuality, and you'll never be bored or lonely.
You’re really quite emotional, skipper. The weaker is always subsumed. It’s the natural flow of energy. Consciousness moves towards the highest present. Add the trust of perspective, after all we all know the end game, and the third entity of two bodies with one perception activates according to conditions and becomes more than each limited individual identity, on a somewhat less linear glide path commonly accessible via what is know as intuition. Many folks have learned the meaning and purpose of intuition, ‘specially the older folks as you should well know, seeing your many years in marriage. Perhaps the expulsions of indignation were caused by confusing an ideology of what should be, with what it is, keeping in mind that bullshit expulsions may in fact obscure the clarity of the looking glass, to put it delicately. Seeing as how as a state of consciousness progressives live with heavy ideological filters, this is understandable within the public domain.

Walker
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Re: practical advice

Post by Walker » Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:19 pm

henry quirk wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:38 pm
No matter what she sez, no matter how many times she claims she wants you to be honest, when she asks 'does this make me look fat?', you damn-well better say 'honey, you look great' and 'no, baby, that skirt absolutely doesn't make you look fat' even if she looks like an over-stuffed sausage.

Want a happy marriage?

Mostly, keep your mouth shut.

Can't keep your mouth shut?

Lie, lie, and lie some more.

Can't lie?

Stay single.
Too many lies and the truth becomes hard to find.

Walker
Posts: 4383
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:00 am

Re: Should there be marriage secrets?

Post by Walker » Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:22 pm

Dontaskme wrote:
Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:38 am
This is the most beautiful idea that I've ever read. To which I agree wholeheartedly with.
I'm sincerely touched.

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henry quirk
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Post by henry quirk » Wed Jul 26, 2017 7:43 pm

"Too many lies and the truth becomes hard to find."

That's why (mostly) you should be quiet.

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