Funny things in your life involving you or friends

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promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

I'm at a Hardee's waiting for an order. A black pastor decked out in a fancy suit with a gold chain cross and wing tip shoes makes it up to the debit card machine and can't figure out how to use it. Behind him in line I see two other black dudes.... now they're shaking their heads at this spectacle, half embarrassed to be black themselves after seeing this charade. I'm certain the thought crosses their mind: this isn't so bad because it's in god's hands. Despite the clown in front of them, they keep holding on and think little of it.

The thought, the irony, never occurs to them: it is because of religion that clowns like this are possible.
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

So the old lady has an eight year old Rheem HVAC system and has had it serviced by the book the entire time. The most recent tech came out a few days ago and says she's got a freon leak. Next thing you know, a salesman comes over and tries to convince her to buy a new $10,000 unit rather than keep the old and replace the copper coil board.

So I play the referee in this exchange. I am going to defend the miserable cat lady from the capitalist parasite. I tell the cat lady not to sign and give me a chance to find another tech to get a second opinion. They offer her a 'deal' that'll expire in thirty days.

Sos I call a dude on Craigslist and have him come over. Immediately he finds that:

Wire nutt for thermostat wiring for emergency heating was off, on the ground

o-ring service valve caps loose on outdoor unit

True suction valve cap missing o-ring

H10 pro picking up no vapors

Hole in the plenum, left it unsealed

We are now wondering if ARS was purposely sabotaging her system so it would fail, or if the underpaid twenty year old terribly trained techs that hate their job and come out to service it, are just incompetent or smart enough to purposely sabotage the unit. The actual freon leak was due to the valves being loose, not the copper lines. I then find out that techs and salesman get commission if and when they get a new system sold. Ah, it all makes sense now.

So I'm arguing with this scumbag salesmen who's lying through his teeth about all of this. Then he gets his manager on speaker phone and I set into him too. Oh it was glorious. I find out later that ARS has some of the worst ratings you'd ever see.

Craigslist guy tightens the valves and puts a pound of freon in. About a hunerd and sixty bucks, total.

So the cat lady ended up not buying an overpriced unit from a capitalist parasite that purposely sabotaged the system to make a sale.

Note: I do not ordinarily defend cat ladies. Especially this one. I have been waiting twenty years for this one to die. However, I will defend a cat lady before a capitalist parasite... unless the cat lady is a capitalist parasite.

Now how much do you reckon this very same thing is happening to inexperienced, mechanically uninclined and naive home owners all over the U.S.?
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attofishpi
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by attofishpi »

Some years ago I awoke with a fish beside me, in bed.

I was rather confused as to Y there was a fish in my bed. Never mind, I had to get off to work, and was a tad hungover.

Around 10am it turned out, we have a meeting in the board room...or as I tended to call it, the very very bored room.

So I for some reason, hung over ended up sat at the far end of the very big table, in the very very bored room..

As I day dreamed, while some pillock talked...I felt a burning sensation on my right thumb. It came crashing down all of a sudden as to why I awoke next to a fish in my bed, it all made sense. I burst out laughing!!

I was pissed, I cooked something, I burned my hand on the oven and grabbed a frozen fish (sealed in plastic) from the freezer to soothe the pain, just prior to passing out in bed.

I said "sorry, I just worked out why I woke up with a fish in my bed.."

I truly could not give a flying fuck what anyone thought of my outburst and relayed in careful detail the above. Some laughed..I considered them potential friend material. :D
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Dontaskme
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by Dontaskme »

attofishpi wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 8:41 am
I truly could not give a flying fuck what anyone thought of my outburst and relayed in careful detail the above. Some laughed..I considered them potential friend material. :D
You are a natural comedian, imho, extremely funny, the kind of funny that causes pee to dribble down my legs..most of your quips make me laugh out loud. :D

I have a very bizarre sense of humor.
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attofishpi
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by attofishpi »

Dontaskme wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 8:51 am
attofishpi wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 8:41 am
I truly could not give a flying fuck what anyone thought of my outburst and relayed in careful detail the above. Some laughed..I considered them potential friend material. :D
You are a natural comedian, imho, extremely funny, the kind of funny that causes pee to dribble down my legs..most of your quips make me laugh out loud. :D

I have a very bizarre sense of humor.
Ya - you is crazy too!!

Haha, thanks DAM - if I ever get around to standup gigs around your way, I'll send you a ticket! :D
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Dontaskme
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by Dontaskme »

attofishpi wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 8:54 am
Dontaskme wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 8:51 am
attofishpi wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 8:41 am
I truly could not give a flying fuck what anyone thought of my outburst and relayed in careful detail the above. Some laughed..I considered them potential friend material. :D
You are a natural comedian, imho, extremely funny, the kind of funny that causes pee to dribble down my legs..most of your quips make me laugh out loud. :D

I have a very bizarre sense of humor.
Ya - you is crazy too!!

Haha, thanks DAM - if I ever get around to standup gigs around your way, I'll send you a ticket! :D
Love ya too! 8)
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attofishpi
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by attofishpi »

Dontaskme wrote: Fri Mar 11, 2022 9:03 am Love ya too! 8)
...but I love U more!! 8)
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

What it's like driving to the store in Kyiv.

https://streamable.com/7rz01u
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

A funny thing involving me is this old creative comedy writing mad lib in which I modified part of an essay from N's 'genealogy of morals' into an essay about morels, instead. It would be funnier for those who are familiar with the actual passage it's taken from because only they are able to say 'i see what you did there' and appreciate the subtle nuance. An opening section of one of the chapters or books. Can't remember which one:

The Genealogy of Morels

As an old mycologist i am loth to admit of that one scruple that, like an uninvited but irresistible chef who makes such demands of my taste and appetite as to call these my 'a priori' of seasoning, i should take up as my phylogenic task alone, to draw the distinction between true morels and false morels. the first impulse to speak something of my hypothesis came about in the midst of a seemingly precocious affair; the gyromitrin of a false morel i had consumed while at a holiday inn salad bar, was hydrolyzed into a toxic compound known as monomethylhydrazine. i experienced a severe weakening of the body, and for days contended with bouts of nausea and dizziness.

it was perhaps here that the thought occurred to me, that insight during the greatest, heaviest moment of doubt, when everything one once held to so firmly is called upon for the most incriminating of questions. how does the false morel originate, and why is it here at the salad bar?

the false morel, of the genuinely scandinavian type, is found in degenerate conditions; the disturbed ground of the deciduous woodlands and among conifers, exhibiting an extraordinary endemism. one must ask; has such circumstances hitherto hindered or furthered the the growth of anatomically simpler fungi closer to the order of ascomycota, the true morel? or is this a sign of distress and taxonomic impoverishment characterizing the cultivation of all morels, true and false?

thereupon i discovered and ventured ecologist questions. i distinguish between culinary ages, cooks and chefs, degrees of rank among mushrooms. i departmentalized my problem and sought across vast expanses of time that one deciding feature; the disambiguation of the intentions of mushroom trade.

again i found simpler problems, free from the multifarious complexities of my initial investigation. i opened my ears again and could now hear what the chefs have been saying.

"we good chefs- we are the just" - what they desire they call, not plebian tastes, but 'the triumph of the import of mediocre fungi', this they call the triumph of culinary justice.

it was their sweetest revenge... this reduction of everything distant and pure to the commonplace, the reduction to the convenience of the patron at the salad bar. and oh what irony! a false morel... a fungi for a fun guy! homer called this revenge 'sweeter than honey'... but nothing is so sweet to the fun guy as the acrid tinge on the tongue of a false morel!

but we others, we who have more delicate tastes because we have tasted so much, a sensitivity to all that defines and distinguishes a fungi from the common mushroom marketplace; we are the ones to whom the true morchella belongs.

when that great modern noise of the multimillion-dollar commercial harvesting industry of false morels becomes so loud as to shake the very ground upon which the salad bar stands... we look away, we walk away and take our plates elsewhere. but our consciences ask us; do you walk away in search of true morels, or as just another disgruntled customer? do you seek the real morchellaceae, or just a copy? perhaps you seek a copy of a copy. first question of taste and appetite.
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

Screenshot_2022-06-04-19-53-40-081.jpg
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promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

https://sendvid.com/0bf7ps3m

wow man talk about nostalgia. i went looking for a particular video at another old forum and ended up watching other videos i had forgotten I made. sendvideo is the player, and many of the videos expired tho.

to this day i dont know why I used the phone cam to record only audio when i coulda downloaded a recorder or used vocaroo. the recordings were without brandon and kim's consent; they didn't know I was recording. but i have to tell you the back story now.

somewhere around 2016 i was living in my van on the run from bogus warrants issued for my arrest. During this time i met a young homeless couple of heroin addicts who would steal and pan handle to support their habit. I wuz in my chevy gladiator so had room to house them when and if they didnt get a motel that night. I also taxied them during the day wherever they needed to go. All this for a fee, obviously; i couldn't work legally with warrants for my arrest, so this was a source of semi-legitimate income.

This particular vancast - that's a conversation in the van while we're driving or parked somewhere and they're high on heroin - has brandon talking about witnessing his friend Rose's suicide right in front of him... and the even more bizarre backstory of that; Rose being raped by her old man when she was younger, etc. The content is graphic so be notified of this fact.

so, a kind of pseudo-tarantinoish existential dialogue takes place, only not as well produced or written, exciting, or professional. Much more banal but certainly plot conditions that could be developed well given the right producers and writers; you have a secret recording of a conversation with a fugitive listening to a story of a first hand suicide by gun that's being told by the homeless heroin addict who experienced it, as they're sitting parked in the back of a conversion van somewhere doing drugs. I smoked herb at that time.

and this dude was bad, too. kim as well. I'd watch them get the restless legs thing going. that shit'll fuck you all up. i seen it man. they were clean tho. this was before the prolonged homelessness took hold of their health and hygiene. brandon had just got out of prison and when he hooked up with kim, she wuddint on the shit yet.

this particular recording is of a story he already told me in brief prior to this night, tho. what i did was surreptitiously lead him into telling me the story again in detail so i could record it for my philosophy forum fans, of which there are many. 

there's more of all kinds of silly shit i did on sendvid which I'll post or not.

these two did have their hustle under control tho and really did quite well, considering. pan handling schemes were decent - once talked an old lady into going shopping for/with him, and came out if Walmart with bags of shit - and they were excellent home depot thieves. they'd come out with small, really expensive hardware components that could be easily pocketed. I'd then walk back in and return them, claiming to have lost the receipt. this got me a gift card but not cash. we'd then go to the card place and sell the cards for sixty percent of what they were worth. Repeat, but only three times per home depot or Lowe's. that's store policy.
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

Another one from The Sendvid Collection

https://sendvid.com/l0slptpt
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

lol here's one from that same period. in fact, i was at that moment chilling in a Panera Bread while our heroin addicts were pan handling in the walmart parking lot.

the short version of a short story; i was sitting there browsing a philosophy site and drinkin coffee when a group of christians came in and.... i shit you not... went to a table, kneeled down and started praying. like immediately. not before a meal or anything like that. they literally just walked in seconds ago.

either this was a prayer group or something and they always do this... or... it's a group of christians who noticed i was there and knew they were in the presence of a titan, so immediately knelt before me to show honor, reverence, and give praise. 

https://sendvid.com/93yftotg
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attofishpi
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by attofishpi »

Dear promethean is this thread titled: "Stupid depressing shit about the life of promethean and his drug fucked cohorts"?

Have a close read, nothing you have posted is even slightly funny. May I suggest you fuck off and create a suitable title for your shit depressing life and your stupid links that I very much doubt people are interested in clicking on.
promethean75
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Re: Funny things in your life involving you or friends

Post by promethean75 »

Macabre circus music? Fuck if I know. It's not some kind of melody I wrote (cuz I have little clue what I'm doing) but just a patchwork of some patterns in a couple time signatures that I stumbled on at some point and then, happened to put all together. It was all luck and neither by design or intent. 30 here I think I wuz. Those are top of the line salt water poles leaned up against a futon leaned up there against the wall.

https://sendvid.com/ehm3kn76
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