Death

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artisticsolution
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Death

Post by artisticsolution » Sat Sep 01, 2018 8:57 pm

Is merciful.

I am saddened but also relieved to announce the death of my mother on 8/18/18.

Downhill since she broke her shoulders in Feb.

In the end, she was bed ridden, Max assist they call it...

I should have sent her to hospice months ago...I just couldn't do it...how do you know if it is the end or if there is hope?

Every day, I think of her...and the madness...and the good times.

I sincerely hope I can eventually free my mind of the images I have of her in the end.

When is enough enough?

Impossible to tell.

The nurses called me a half hour after I left my mom that Friday evening, "Your mom has 12 to 24 hours to live...do you want to send her to hospice?"

"YES!!!"

I should have done it sooner...she would have wanted me to...I'm sorry, Mom. You put the wrong daughter in charge.

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henry quirk
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i have no words, art...just sympathy

Post by henry quirk » Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:24 pm

.

artisticsolution
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Re: i have no words, art...just sympathy

Post by artisticsolution » Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:26 pm

henry quirk wrote:
Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:24 pm
.
Xxoo

Walker
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Re: Death

Post by Walker » Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:04 pm

Sincere condolences. For me, I found it a hard thing to become an orphan, like you I was an adult. Still not over it and don’t expect to be. But one grows accustomed to the new view.

Dubious
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Re: Death

Post by Dubious » Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:28 pm

I don't know how one can ever arrange these thing to the point where one feels guiltless. There's always that residual finger-pointing on the inside that regardless of having done one's best with the best of intentions doesn't prevent the interview process with oneself to begin and find fault. It's the kind of trauma human nature inflicts on itself when finality in a loved one comes home, realizing it all ends here and that nothing can ever change that which makes the feeling of failure even more intense.

Though ever painful, these feelings are also an illusion since there is seldom such thing as a perfect denouement or a perfect Goodbye, fallibility prevailing even then. Had you done everything right in hindsight, you likely still wouldn't feel any better.

uwot
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Re: Death

Post by uwot » Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:41 pm

Very sorry to hear that. The images of my mother dying were distressing, but now they are more poignant; the contrast reminds me of how vital she was. Perhaps that's how everyone comes to see them.

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Greta
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Re: Death

Post by Greta » Sun Sep 02, 2018 1:03 am

Commiserations AS. It's easy to feel guilty after the death of an elderly parent who'd been in your care.

People tend to be so surprised by events as their parents deteriorate, with the whole situation being so novel and unnerving that errors are common. Decisions are needing to be made on the run with neither experience nor, often, much support. I'm sure most carers or those responsible for their parents' institutional care would have done some things differently if they'd known then what they know now. I surely would have done with Dad.

Nick_A
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Re: Death

Post by Nick_A » Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:39 am

artisticsolution wrote:
Sat Sep 01, 2018 8:57 pm
Is merciful.

I am saddened but also relieved to announce the death of my mother on 8/18/18.

Downhill since she broke her shoulders in Feb.

In the end, she was bed ridden, Max assist they call it...

I should have sent her to hospice months ago...I just couldn't do it...how do you know if it is the end or if there is hope?

Every day, I think of her...and the madness...and the good times.

I sincerely hope I can eventually free my mind of the images I have of her in the end.

When is enough enough?

Impossible to tell.

The nurses called me a half hour after I left my mom that Friday evening, "Your mom has 12 to 24 hours to live...do you want to send her to hospice?"

"YES!!!"

I should have done it sooner...she would have wanted me to...I'm sorry, Mom. You put the wrong daughter in charge.
My mother died years ago. I did a lot of things right but I don't know if I gave her my attention - if in her condition I let her in? Thinking back I was probably too concerned with doing and saying the "right" things. But I don't know if I made contact or if I just got in my own way.
“The capacity to give one's attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle. Nearly all those who think they have the capacity do not possess it.” ~ Simone Weil
Frankly I think you did a better job than I did. If we do the best we can nothing else can be expected.

artisticsolution
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Re: Death

Post by artisticsolution » Sun Sep 02, 2018 1:48 pm

Thanks all for the very kind words and good intentions.

I know we've all had very different experiences.

I have never been a very guilt ridden type person...it's more like the empathy I have is debilitating sometimes.

When I am not sure what another needs or truly wants, I do nothing. I either freeze or walk away emotionally. I am not a take control type person, like my mother was. I offer my help or advise and if the person doesn't accept it...I'm perplexed but i can't stay and watch them suffer... it kills me inside to see them suffer the consequences of thier actions...

As: Mom please let the nurse put the patch behind your ear, she says it will help with the vomiting.

Mom: NO! I'd rather vomit than have the patch!

AS: Okay mom, but I'm not going to sit here and watch you suffer. I'll see you tomorrow...love you....(as i rushed out the door so upset my guts feeling as if they couldnt be squeezed any tighter as they were coming up to my throat in an attempt to escape the pain)

As hard as it is, remorse is easy schmeasy in comparison to emotional empathic feelings.

However,

On the flip side....i gotta say...

I did kinda respect my mom for living her life by her rules and no one elses. I will forever be inspired by her strength to not conform to anyone elses ideas of how one should live.

If she was a man in a different place and time, I think she would have been like that monk who set himself on fire.

Give God Hell, Mom.

Dalek Prime
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Location: Living in a tree with Polly.

Re: Death

Post by Dalek Prime » Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:23 pm

AS, I only pop around once in a while, so I missed your news. I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you are doing better.... May I share a link to an article for you and everyone else interested? It puts a unique perspective on the loss of parents, from a New York psychotherapist that is worth a read.

https://www.latimes.com/health/la-he-de ... story.html

gaffo
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Re: Death

Post by gaffo » Fri Dec 14, 2018 1:52 am

artisticsolution wrote:
Sat Sep 01, 2018 8:57 pm
Is merciful.

I am saddened but also relieved to announce the death of my mother on 8/18/18.

Downhill since she broke her shoulders in Feb.

In the end, she was bed ridden, Max assist they call it...

I should have sent her to hospice months ago...I just couldn't do it...how do you know if it is the end or if there is hope?

Every day, I think of her...and the madness...and the good times.

I sincerely hope I can eventually free my mind of the images I have of her in the end.

When is enough enough?

Impossible to tell.

The nurses called me a half hour after I left my mom that Friday evening, "Your mom has 12 to 24 hours to live...do you want to send her to hospice?"

"YES!!!"

I should have done it sooner...she would have wanted me to...I'm sorry, Mom. You put the wrong daughter in charge.
sorry to hear, my dad died one year ago 2 weeks from hense and a 3 weeks after i joined this forum.

my condolences.

gaffo
Posts: 2354
Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:15 am

Re: Death

Post by gaffo » Fri Dec 14, 2018 1:56 am

Walker wrote:
Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:04 pm
Sincere condolences. For me, I found it a hard thing to become an orphan, like you I was an adult. Still not over it and don’t expect to be. But one grows accustomed to the new view.
is in all things, life is the tester, one becomes accustom to the new realities ;-/ for good or ill.

not an orphan yet, but fully prepared to be one from now until 7 yr hence or so.

artisticsolution
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Re: Death

Post by artisticsolution » Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:51 pm

Thank you everyone. Ive been keeping busy since her death. More time to paint and more success....but I feel uninspired.

Maybe because I am being forced into a change of direction, albeit temporary. Or maybe because I am in the need of a vacation...lol. whatever the reason, I have started several paintings and all are sitting there waiting to become magical but their muse has left them.

I wonder if Ill ever get the vision of my mom suffering on her death bed out of my head?

A few months ago my husband bought me one of those electric beds...sometimes when Im lying in it, I can see my mom lying in hers...uncomfortable (despite us changing it twice...to an air mattress so she wouldn't get bed sores) ... she was unable to even press the button to change position.

I hate my new bed because it reminds me of her.

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henry quirk
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give yourself time...

Post by henry quirk » Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:55 pm

...time to encompass it, time to surround it, time to accept it

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bahman
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Re: Death

Post by bahman » Sat Jan 19, 2019 8:35 pm

Take it easy. She is in peace. Why are you hurting yourself?

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