Got any good jokes?

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attofishpi
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by attofishpi » Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:03 am

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION:You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:
Australia:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canada:
BANG !

America:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Wed Dec 12, 2018 2:54 pm

How To Be More Addicted To Your Phone - Ultra Spiritual Life episode 65

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1zJPuow8ps


Although this is true, be careful who you tell, because folks can react unpredictably to truth.

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Sun Jan 06, 2019 2:41 pm

Some good ones you haven't heard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HlxcVT0u4c

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attofishpi
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by attofishpi » Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:40 am

Not so much a joke as a true story in the life of atto:

One morning I awoke with the alarm sounding, feeling a tad hungover from a night on the piss, with a fish in my bed.
I scrambled up, showered and headed to work with the big question...What the fuck was a fish doing in my bed?

At work we were summoned to the board room for a meeting - bored room as far as I was ever concerned. Part way through the meeting, I sensed a burn on one of my fingers...then the fish in my bed came to reason!
In my nights piss up, I had burnt myself on the oven and had grabbed a frozen fish from the freezer to calm my ailing appendage.

I started giggling then the giggle loop started, and was in hysterics in the middle of a very boring\unnecessary meeting and eventually had to explain to everyone that I had just worked out why I woke up with a fish in my bed.

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:49 pm


Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Sun Jan 20, 2019 12:23 pm

“These kids coming up nowadays don’t even know how to tie down their pumpkins.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvE6ZiRRhDw

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Sat Feb 02, 2019 1:46 pm

About College Humor

The Secret to a Perfect Body – Genetics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zO2wFkl46g

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Sun Feb 03, 2019 6:24 am


Impenitent
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Impenitent » Wed Feb 06, 2019 12:47 am

"In the news today, Rudolph the red nosed reindeer dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747.
Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH5oQ05Bs70

-Imp

Walker
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:00 am

Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Thu Feb 07, 2019 5:43 am

Impenitent wrote:
Wed Feb 06, 2019 12:47 am
"In the news today, Rudolph the red nosed reindeer dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747.
Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH5oQ05Bs70

-Imp
Not bad but the reactions were a bit too overdone to be rare and thus worth much of anything.

If you accurately contemplate probability and tendency you will be able to predict where this link goes, based on the known.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNmppnfgBB0

Nick_A
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Nick_A » Tue Mar 05, 2019 4:28 am

A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a Fucking thing."

Walker
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:00 am

Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Tue Mar 05, 2019 8:45 am

Nick_A wrote:
Tue Mar 05, 2019 4:28 am
A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a Fucking thing."
:lol:

Reminds me of a good man I knew in hospice.

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Tue Mar 05, 2019 8:46 am

Socratic Dialogue, textbook style.

Q: Why must we kill the bees?

A: Well, New Alien Arrival to the Planet Earth, wide-eyed flower-child of no pollen, it’s because of the invisible frequencies that surround us. We are now conditioned to these frequencies, and we all have our pills for the inexplicable spikes in human afflictions. Examine photos and films from long ago, look at the people.

Q: Okay, what is different now from then?

A: What’s different is the frequencies that surround us. Any difference you see in the photos is because of the frequencies. You are more easily influenced than you know.

Q: I thought Big Ag’s bug spray was killing the bees.

A: Well, that wouldn’t make any sense.
That would be killing the golden goose.

Q: What's the joke?
A: Indeed.

Walker
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2015 12:00 am

Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Sat May 04, 2019 12:35 pm

The best of Foghorn Leghorn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3YK95jW5p0

Walker
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Re: Got any good jokes?

Post by Walker » Mon May 06, 2019 2:52 pm


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