I must just rust

[Gary Childress]

My life is, was, and will always be a waste. And for whatever reason, I don't want it any other way. My father was never particularly proud of me. My old friends from my past life before I was diagnosed don't want to have anything to do with me because whenever I encounter them, their first instinct seems to be to try to help me like I'm a pathetic retard. As soon as words exit my mouth people want me to say something different. In effect, no one wants to hear me or be around me.

I'm like a failed species all to myself, a dead branch on the family tree, a waste of space.

And I was dead on arrival. Since my earliest childhood memories, I would brood and my mind would wander off into the most depressing thoughts. I used to talk to myself and journal a lot. Then, when I first became diagnosed with "mental illness", I threw the whole stack of journals I had accumulated into the fireplace and burned them.

I published a book of poetry. It's mostly simplistic rhymes. I think it sold maybe 15 copies or something. Now it's just sitting on Amazon, taking up bandwidth. It seems fitting. I was always an asshole anyway. No one could stand being around me for long.

Philosophy and art are little more than graffiti to me. It's like pissing my name in the snow. It sticks around for a day or so and then disappears as though it was never here.

The first program I was taught in high school computer lab, was to get a computer to run the words "hello, world" on the screen. Hurray! That was interesting for about 10 minutes.

I should have been named Huckleberry, Icabod, or Ebeneezer. I feel like I fit those names better than "Gary". When I think of the name Gary I immediately think of one of Howard Stern's ridiculous sidekicks or a pet clam (or whatever it is) on the cartoon "Sponge Bob". My name was made for mockery. It's become a symbol of mockery.

I decree that from here forth no child should ever be named "Gary". It's like a person naming their kid "Hitler". The name should be stricken from the human lexicon.

[Age]

My life is, was, and will always be a waste.

'This' IS OBVIOUSLY False AND Wrong.

'your writings' here "gary childress", which ARE OBVIOUSLY based upon 'your OWN life experiences', ARE SHOWING "others" how to NOT look AT NOR think ABOUT 'Life', Itself. Therefore, 'your life', through 'your writings' here ARE being VERY, VERY USEFUL TO and FOR "others" WELL BEING and GOOD.

So, it could be argued, that 'your life' "gary childress" IS/WAS MORE USEFUL, and thus NOT a waste AT ALL, then say someone like "albert einstein's" WAS.

In fact the MORE 'you' have BELIEVED and have been SAYING and CLAIMING that 'your life' IS A WASTE, the MORE USEFUL 'your life' IS BEING FOR 'future generations', TO 'you', TO LEARN and SEE HOW to live a MUCH BETTER 'life' and to live IN a MUCH BETTER 'way'. So, PLEASE CONTINUE ON BELIEVING and SAYING and WRITING just how much 'you' PERCEIVE, ONLY, 'your life' to be, here. 'you' WILL, and ARE, literally, HELPING IN CREATING A MUCH BETTER 'world' AND 'life' FOR "others", HERE-NOW.

And for whatever reason, I don't want it any other way.

THE REASON I partly explained above here.

My father was never particularly proud of me.

Which, REALLY, could be the BEST 'thing', EVER.

WHY do 'you', people, even NEED/WANT "others" to be so-called 'proud of you'?

What MORE than just coming INTO Existence, being born, having FUN, and ENJOYING 'Life', Itself, could one WANT, or EXPECT?

What could one, REALLY MORE DO, which could, or would, MAKE "another" MORE so-called 'proud OF you'?

Do some people, REALLY, feel so INSECURE that 'they' NEED/WANT some 'approval', or FOR "others" to be 'proud' of 'them', in some way, by doing some, usually, VERY INSIGNIFICANT 'thing'?

My old friends from my past life before I was diagnosed don't want to have anything to do with me because whenever I encounter them, their first instinct seems to be to try to help me like I'm a pathetic retard.

Have 'you' EVER considered that JUST MAYBE 'you', "yourself", MIGHT, unintentionally, but sub-consciously, come across a so-called ''pathetic retard'' BECAUSE of some sort of 'reward' 'you' GET, from doing so?

After all have 'you' NOTICED how OFTEN 'you' TELL 'us' here how MUCH OF A WASTE OF 'life' 'your life' HAS BEEN? Could 'you' be INFORMING "others", outside of this forum, of the EXACT SAME 'things', or IN the SAME WAY/S?

As soon as words exit my mouth people want me to say something different. In effect, no one wants to hear me or be around me.

When "others" respond TO 'you' here, in this forum, is 'this' A SIGN of 'them' NOT WANTING to be 'around you', OR 'us' WANTING to be 'around you'?

And remember, that it IS 'I' who MOST people WANT TO Truly IGNORE here, and NOT respond TO. NOT 'you'.

I'm like a failed species all to myself, a dead branch on the family tree, a waste of space.

COULD IT BE words like these ones the reason WHY it seems like "others", first instinct, is to try to help you like you are a "pathetic retard"?

And I was dead on arrival. Since my earliest childhood memories, I would brood and my mind would wander off into the most depressing thoughts. I used to talk to myself and journal a lot. Then, when I first became diagnosed with "mental illness", I threw the whole stack of journals I had accumulated into the fireplace and burned them.

Pity, 'I', for one, would have LOVED to have SEEN them.

I published a book of poetry. It's mostly simplistic rhymes. I think it sold maybe 15 copies or something. Now it's just sitting on Amazon, taking up bandwidth. It seems fitting. I was always an asshole anyway. No one could stand being around me for long.

Have 'you' EVER considered "gary childress" that 'you' THRIVE ON being A 'victim', and the ATTENTION in which 'that' GIVES 'you'?

See, there are ONLY four 'things' in Life that 'you', human beings, NEED, to KEEP living. They are;

Clean enough air and water, a few nutrients, and attention.

'you' NEED attention, and as young children 'you', VERY QUICKLY, LEARN the MOST EFFICIENT, (simplest, easiest, and quickest), WAY to GET ATTENTION. And, SOME of THOSE WAYS ARE IN the MOST UNSUSPECTING or MOST UNEXPECTED WAYS.

Now, THE WAY that 'you' GET ATTENTION is VERY OBVIOUS, well TO 'us' anyway.

Philosophy and art are little more than graffiti to me. It's like pissing my name in the snow. It sticks around for a day or so and then disappears as though it was never here.

The first program I was taught in high school computer lab, was to get a computer to run the words "hello, world" on the screen. Hurray! That was interesting for about 10 minutes.

I should have been named Huckleberry, Icabod, or Ebeneezer. I feel like I fit those names better than "Gary". When I think of the name Gary I immediately think of one of Howard Stern's ridiculous sidekicks or a pet clam (or whatever it is) on the cartoon "Sponge Bob". My name was made for mockery. It's become a symbol of mockery.

I decree that from here forth no child should ever be named "Gary". It's like a person naming their kid "Hitler". The name should be stricken from the human lexicon.

AGAIN, "adolf hitler", AND "gary childress", could do MORE FOR the BETTERMENT and WELL BEING of 'future generations' by LEARNING FROM 'them' what NOT TO DO. Thus, 'they' could be FAR BETTER 'teachers' than other, PERCEIVED TO BE, 'teachers' REALLY ARE.

But, although the ACTUAL Truth IS ALL CAN LEARN FROM "each other", EQUALLY, sometimes what is FIRST THOUGHT is NOT ALWAYS what Truly IS.

Sometimes FAR MORE can be LEARNED, and UNDERSTOOD, FROM the Wrong thoughts WITHIN "others" and FROM the Wrong behaviors OF "others".

[accelafine]

What about Gary Oldman, he's pretty cool. When I was growing up just about every boy was called 'Gary'. Gary or Barry

[Gary Childress]

What about Gary Oldman, he's pretty cool. When I was growing up just about every boy was called 'Gary'. Gary or Barry

He certainly did a stand-up job in The Fifth Element playing the role of a vile human being.

¯\_(*_*)_/¯

[accelafine]

What about Gary Oldman, he's pretty cool. When I was growing up just about every boy was called 'Gary'. Gary or Barry

He certainly did a stand-up job in The Fifth Element playing the role of a vile human being.

¯\_(*_*)_/¯

Never seen it. Don't see what characters he's played has to do with it. Ok, Gary is a horrible name. Only fit for Hitler. Happy now?
Whine whine whine

[Lacewing]

My life is, was, and will always be a waste. And for whatever reason, I don't want it any other way.

And that's more significant (the underlined part) for you to acknowledge than what anyone else has thought or said or done, or how bored or lonely or sad you are. You don't want it any other way. Brilliant! Carry on!

Still, I thought of you today when my boyfriend and I were watching stormy ocean waves and we were talking about how exciting storms can be. I suddenly thought "Hey, maybe Gary could be a storm-chaser like those guys who used to be on TV!" That would really liven things up for you. You could go out in the field and take storm measurements... report from the eye of the hurricane... exciting stuff like that. Maybe you'd forget about all of your aggravations if you were focused on gathering data while staying alive. I dunno... just a thought. I try to be helpful.

[accelafine]

[Dontaskme]

Whenever I feel like a sack of shit, which is pretty much what the human body is for it's whole life.

I always find comfort in knowing that in approximately 115 years, EVERY living human being that is alive right now on this planet will be DEAD

So for me personally, I just think to myself, ultimately, nothing matters. Admit your insane and crazy and then do whatever you like.

“The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.”

[Sculptor]

My life is, was, and will always be a waste. And for whatever reason, I don't want it any other way. My father was never particularly proud of me. My old friends from my past life before I was diagnosed don't want to have anything to do with me because whenever I encounter them, their first instinct seems to be to try to help me like I'm a pathetic retard. As soon as words exit my mouth people want me to say something different. In effect, no one wants to hear me or be around me.

I'm like a failed species all to myself, a dead branch on the family tree, a waste of space.

And I was dead on arrival. Since my earliest childhood memories, I would brood and my mind would wander off into the most depressing thoughts. I used to talk to myself and journal a lot. Then, when I first became diagnosed with "mental illness", I threw the whole stack of journals I had accumulated into the fireplace and burned them.

I published a book of poetry. It's mostly simplistic rhymes. I think it sold maybe 15 copies or something. Now it's just sitting on Amazon, taking up bandwidth. It seems fitting. I was always an asshole anyway. No one could stand being around me for long.

Philosophy and art are little more than graffiti to me. It's like pissing my name in the snow. It sticks around for a day or so and then disappears as though it was never here.

The first program I was taught in high school computer lab, was to get a computer to run the words "hello, world" on the screen. Hurray! That was interesting for about 10 minutes.

I should have been named Huckleberry, Icabod, or Ebeneezer. I feel like I fit those names better than "Gary". When I think of the name Gary I immediately think of one of Howard Stern's ridiculous sidekicks or a pet clam (or whatever it is) on the cartoon "Sponge Bob". My name was made for mockery. It's become a symbol of mockery.

I decree that from here forth no child should ever be named "Gary". It's like a person naming their kid "Hitler". The name should be stricken from the human lexicon.

Sounds like you need to get some sunshine.
Going into winter in this state of mind is not great. I hooe you do not live too far to the north. We are down to an 8 hour day, and its mostly overcast dull and sometimes even foggy. This reflects poorly on mental health.
All that stuff about pleasing your father or noe "wasting" your life are just symptomatic of your state of mind. Those things do not direct you emotional state. Just say fuck it to them.
It's your life and you can waste it if you want to.
(Since COVID I have done fuck all except lose weight and increase my walking each day. My work in sculpture is reduced now to occaisinally making moulds and casting for ex-students/clients. My sculpting mojo is out the window. But I'm not really bothered).
Remember that its your life to waste. Enjoy the dissipation of your time!

As for your name. Have you tried Gazza, or The Gazster?

[Sculptor]

My life is, was, and will always be a waste.

'This' IS OBVIOUSLY False AND Wrong.

Trust Shouty Boy to turn the knife!!!
Obviously what you think of yourself is FALSE!!!

[Sculptor]

What about Gary Oldman, he's pretty cool. When I was growing up just about every boy was called 'Gary'. Gary or Barry

He certainly did a stand-up job in The Fifth Element playing the role of a vile human being.

¯\_(*_*)_/¯

Or a whiter that white Churchill.
ANyone who could turn that monster into a nice guy must be a talent.

NB Note how your state of mind leads you to the worst case!

[nemos]

If something exists in this world, then someone must need it.
Life is an opportunity, and you obviously it have ...
- John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind"
- Stephen Hawking - wheelchair physicist
- ...

[Flannel Jesus]

If something exists in this world, then someone must need it.
Life is an opportunity, and you obviously it have ...
- John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind"
- Stephen Hawking - wheelchair physicist
- ...

Arnie in What's eating Gilbert Grape?

[Gary Childress]

What about Gary Oldman, he's pretty cool. When I was growing up just about every boy was called 'Gary'. Gary or Barry

He certainly did a stand-up job in The Fifth Element playing the role of a vile human being.

¯\_(*_*)_/¯

Never seen it. Don't see what characters he's played has to do with it. Ok, Gary is a horrible name. Only fit for Hitler. Happy now?
Whine whine whine

I feel happier already. If I call you an asshole, will you return the favor?

[attofishpi]

2 rust 2 dust 4 lust U must

Were you unjust
within your lust
such that now
you must rust
to dust?
I'm not fussed,
I don't cuss
I'm still searching
for the largest
bust
(too).