Who picks who in a relationship?

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Arising_uk
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Arising_uk » Tue Mar 07, 2017 9:56 am

For the vast majority of women in the world there is no choice, it's an economic transaction.

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Hobbes' Choice
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Hobbes' Choice » Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:51 pm

Yet another mind-numbingly stupid question.
There are two cases.
1) Where each person picks the other. But it's not like a box of chocolates Forrest!
2) Where one or both decide to settle for second best, because they are fed up waiting for Mr/Miss right.

In both cases the choice has to be mutual - this is not a gender question outside the bounds of Arranged Marriages, in which a 3rd case applies: parents pick other parents (see points 1 & 2) , fort their children.

In my own case, my women have chosen me, but they have had to comply with a minimum reasonable standard for a shag in the first instance, and subsequently a relationship develops from a sex arrangement. I've had 6 "long term" relationships on this basis, all of them successful for the time they ran.

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Hobbes' Choice
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Hobbes' Choice » Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:55 pm

Arising_uk wrote:For the vast majority of women in the world there is no choice, it's an economic transaction.
I'm not sure about just women, men marry through necessity too. And i'm not sure that this necessity always means "no choice".
Given my reservations about the way you have phrased this - I think you can therefore dump "vast majority" too.

In fact you are probably just plain wrong.
Many marriages are economic transactions, but that does not mean there is no choice. And arranged marriages also obligate the husband - not just women. There is a big world out there, not just Islam.

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Arising_uk
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Arising_uk » Tue Mar 07, 2017 5:38 pm

Hobbes' Choice wrote:I'm not sure about just women, men marry through necessity too. And i'm not sure that this necessity always means "no choice". ...
Well okay, some get a couple of choices depending which class they belong to but by and large I think the vast majority of the women of this world get very little say about when and who they marry.
Given my reservations about the way you have phrased this - I think you can therefore dump "vast majority" too. ...
I disagree.
In fact you are probably just plain wrong.
Could be, lets go find some stats.
Many marriages are economic transactions, but that does not mean there is no choice. And arranged marriages also obligate the husband - not just women. There is a big world out there, not just Islam.
I wasn't really thinking about Islam, more India, China, Africa, Asia, etc.
p.s.
Ah! Okay, looks like only just over half are arranged. So not the vast majority then. Still of the opinion that if women had the choice, i.e. economic freedom and employment opportunities many would not get married at all, as evidenced by the marriage stats where this has happened.

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Hobbes' Choice
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Hobbes' Choice » Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:40 pm

Arising_uk wrote:
Hobbes' Choice wrote:I'm not sure about just women, men marry through necessity too. And i'm not sure that this necessity always means "no choice". ...
Well okay, some get a couple of choices depending which class they belong to but by and large I think the vast majority of the women of this world get very little say about when and who they marry.
You are making a statistical claim which no one is in any position to verify. What is meant by "very little"? And even if you asked a decent percentage sample size you would have to have a world-wide catchment. The women asked would also have to evaluate your rather subjective "very little" in their own terms. Since this survey has not been carried out, your words are based on your TV watching prejudice, and not valuable statistically
.
Given my reservations about the way you have phrased this - I think you can therefore dump "vast majority" too. ...
I disagree.
You can disagree all you want, but it's you making the unfounded claims not me.
In fact you are probably just plain wrong.
Could be, lets go find some stats.
Bit fucking late for that. It seems until I questioned it your prejudice was enough for you.
BTW - How much is "VAST" in "vast majority"?
Many marriages are economic transactions, but that does not mean there is no choice. And arranged marriages also obligate the husband - not just women. There is a big world out there, not just Islam.
I wasn't really thinking about Islam, more India, China, Africa, Asia, etc.
p.s.
Ah! Okay, looks like only just over half are arranged. So not the vast majority then. Still of the opinion that if women had the choice, i.e. economic freedom and employment opportunities many would not get married at all, as evidenced by the marriage stats where this has happened.

Care to cite your source?
And you are also forgetting to define your terms.

ForCruxSake
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by ForCruxSake » Sun Apr 09, 2017 12:52 am

Philosophy Explorer wrote:Let's try to make this thread more interesting. Do you prefer to be the picker or pickee? Does it depend?

PhilX
For years I was the pickee. It was a lack of confidence borne out of never being found attractive in my school years. I always assumed I couldn't have who I wanted. Suddenly in my thirties, when I felt more self assured, I became the picker. Haven't looked back since.

The picker has to signal the pickee, in some way. The pickee can respond, and establish mutuality, or run away, thereby shedding his/her pickee status. The pickee can never initiate.

I was once in a situation where I thought I was the pickee only to realise I was the picker. Strange reversal took place, as I thought initially I wasn't interested, only for things to intensely flip round.

I've had two stalkers, one that went on for three years. Neither were as a consequence of relationships. Pickee in extremis.

duszek
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by duszek » Sun Apr 09, 2017 11:29 am

A pickee can frighten off a picker by becoming daring and active.
If they do it in a bossy and obnoxious way the picker will run away like hell.

I am not talking of a compulsive full-fledged stalker of course.
You can never win with someone like him (or her).
If someone discovers a working strategy this person should get a Novel prize.

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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by duszek » Sun Apr 09, 2017 11:36 am

Is Catherine Townsend known in the UK ?
She is supposedly a columnist in the Independent.

I happened to pick her book from a shelf full of free books.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Flirting is not yet picking, I would say. It is just examinating a potential pick.
Like one would examine a thing in a shop before buying it.

A pass can be a fake one, too. A joke. Such to see the reactions.
Or is it unfair ?

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Harbal
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Harbal » Sun Apr 09, 2017 1:02 pm

duszek wrote:Is Catherine Townsend known in the UK ?
She is supposedly a columnist in the Independent.

I happened to pick her book from a shelf full of free books
Books don't count, it has to be a person in order to qualify as a relationship.

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Hobbes' Choice
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Hobbes' Choice » Sun Apr 09, 2017 2:41 pm

duszek wrote:Is Catherine Townsend known in the UK ?
She is supposedly a columnist in the Independent.

I happened to pick her book from a shelf full of free books.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Flirting is not yet picking, I would say. It is just examinating a potential pick.
Like one would examine a thing in a shop before buying it.

A pass can be a fake one, too. A joke. Such to see the reactions.
Or is it unfair ?
I'd not heard of here until you asked. Describes herself as a journalist and private investigator doing undercover journalism - a certain amount of anonymity is required methinks.

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Harbal
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Harbal » Sun Apr 09, 2017 8:38 pm

Hobbes' Choice wrote: I'd not heard of here until you asked.
In that case you did very well to find your way there.

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vegetariantaxidermy
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by vegetariantaxidermy » Sun Apr 09, 2017 8:51 pm

ForCruxSake wrote:
Philosophy Explorer wrote:Let's try to make this thread more interesting. Do you prefer to be the picker or pickee? Does it depend?

PhilX
For years I was the pickee. It was a lack of confidence borne out of never being found attractive in my school years. I always assumed I couldn't have who I wanted. Suddenly in my thirties, when I felt more self assured, I became the picker. Haven't looked back since.

The picker has to signal the pickee, in some way. The pickee can respond, and establish mutuality, or run away, thereby shedding his/her pickee status. The pickee can never initiate.

I was once in a situation where I thought I was the pickee only to realise I was the picker. Strange reversal took place, as I thought initially I wasn't interested, only for things to intensely flip round.

I've had two stalkers,
one that went on for three years. Neither were as a consequence of relationships. Pickee in extremis.
Did you get them at a 'two for the price of one' sale?

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Harbal
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by Harbal » Sun Apr 09, 2017 9:00 pm

vegetariantaxidermy wrote: Did you get them at a 'two for the price of one' sale?
He should have let them catch up with him. That would have been the quickest way of getting rid of them.

ForCruxSake
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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by ForCruxSake » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:07 am

duszek wrote:A pickee can frighten off a picker by becoming daring and active.
If they do it in a bossy and obnoxious way the picker will run away like hell.

I am not talking of a compulsive full-fledged stalker of course.
You can never win with someone like him (or her).
If someone discovers a working strategy this person should get a Novel prize.
Stalkers are a weird breed of picker. I always felt slightly at odds with a situation I never felt responsible for. I was friendly when I had worked for someone they knew but that was it. They found excuses to make contact, made friends with my friends, would turn up at events they knew I would be at and then act surprised to see me.

It got weirder, I actually had to move... Twice! Things would appear on my doorstep from them and I felt I was being followed. I found myself having to make trade offs, so that they wouldn't call every 15 minutes until I answered the phone and suddenly I was choosing to do things, like meet them, so that they would leave me alone. You're being controlled despite yourself. But I never thought they would hurt me. I thought they might hurt themselves before they would hurt me. When I contacted the police about them. I was told that unless there was a threat of harm, there was nothing the police could do. All different now, though.

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Re: Who picks who in a relationship?

Post by ForCruxSake » Mon Apr 10, 2017 1:13 am

duszek wrote: Flirting is not yet picking, I would say. It is just examinating a potential pick.
Like one would examine a thing in a shop before buying it.

A pass can be a fake one, too. A joke. Such to see the reactions.
Or is it unfair ?
So there's picker:pickee gamesplay? But if it's just for reactions what's the point of picking? Is there an endgame? Or is the flirting/ making a pass the endgame?

Sounds more like practising your 'pick' skills rather than actual 'picking'. Faux picking.

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